Wait, if I’m on fire
How am I so deep in love?
When I dream of dyin’
I never feel so loved
Okay so a little back story before I tell you what the dream was. I had science stream when I was in my high school. For those who are not from India (probably the majority) I had Physics, Chemistry, Math, Biology and English as my subjects. We have sections here for different combinations of subjects.
Now imagine you walking into your school, casually chilling and later joining your friend to a class which you don’t even take. Even you don’t realize why you are going there. If that wasn’t astonishing, the teacher taking the class lets you take the entire lecture. When the lecture ends she calls you outside and suddenly out of nowhere she knows your name (wtf moment). She asks what you were doing in her class. You say “nothing, (stutters a little). I just didn’t wanna go to my class.” Wow, you just said hat to her face. Guts man. But what came out of her mouth next sent chills down your spine.
She asks,”What made you do that? And don’t give me crap coz I know what the reason might be.” Damn this lady wants me to tell her that she just touched my sore nerve. (Coz honestly no one wants to talk about things that they doubt E.g. My career)
The kid, just like me knows that the teacher is right! #guilty
I replied, “What, no.. there is no reason behind it.” I said a little white lie from my side. She continues, “Will you say it out loud or should I?” With shame in my eyes and sarcasm in my tone I said “Oh! Please ma’am I know what you are thinking! It was not because I was bored from my own subjects and doubted my career options and wanted to explore another field.” There I spilled it (like freaking ketchup all over the floor). What a big mouth! But shockingly enough, the teacher gave me a smirk and said,” It’s good that you owned up. Now head back, coz you got a lot of thinking to do.”
Wooohhh! (Sigh of relief). Oh! And you can stop imagining now because the alarm just went off and the dream is over. Welcome back to the reality, where you are a grad student who can’t end college because of this stupid corona virus (actually that’s me).
So now that I remember every single detail of my dream and feel slightly embarrassed that my dream might be related to real life confusions, I got to do something.
See, you are my friend, so I hope I can share anything with you. To be honest I was never skeptical about the subjects I took Or the degree I was graduating in. The daunting thoughts are the ones about my future. Will I get paid enough to fulfill my dreams, my desires, my materialistic aspirations? (Coz, wanting Chanel or Dior heels isn’t that crazy, is it?) Are there good jobs in this field? Will i be able to go to work every monday with a smile on my face? Will i be able to achieve a post where I can have a personality that matches my ideal self (ideal self: the best version of you in your mind)? What if I am unable to fulfill the expectations of my younger self? Or will the fear of death take over? (Just a mention, that is a story for another day)
And just like you I don’t have answers to all the questions. I’m not even brave enough to admit and acknowledge all of them. Overthinking will not give me answers. (And lemme tell you, I’m one hell of an overthinker)
Honestly that is what this journey is for. All questions can’t be answered today itself, all queries can’t be solved right now, we gotta wait, develop, mould and work to get the future that we want. If I put the amount of time I think about how my future should look, in actually working to get it together, I would be way more satisfied.
Now that you know thinking doesn’t give results, let’s try executing.
Until next time, Adiós amigos.
Check out my other weird dreams right here: Part-2, Part-3, Part-4
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