I like to punish myself.
Do you do this to yourself too? I feel like my own biggest critic. Sometimes I cheer myself on for literally everything but other days I bring myself down like no one else can. It’s not healthy, but somewhere in my heart, I know that this keeps me in check. But there are a lot of reasons I can share where I subconsciously punish myself for my acts.
Whenever I feel that I have disappointed my parents a lot over the past few days, I spend the upcoming days feeling guilty. I punish myself by not using the resources they have given me, just to feel that I am not wasting any more of them. I have the guilt of not having done enough. I get so disappointed about the fact that my parents still have to worry about my future. Even today, when I’ll be turning 25 very soon, I can see the tension in my parents eyes and that haunts me.
Even when I eat too much junk food, I punish myself by not eating anything at all for some time. And I don’t do this intentionally; it just happens. My body just has a way of compensating for the junk I eat—nothing serious! Its like I have an inner critic in my mind who is a military leader. It doesn’t turn on when I want it too. It just turns on when I am drowning in disappointment and guilt.
I wish this colonel would turn on when I needed to be disciplined and get work done. I could call this my alter ego. This part is stern and ruthless and can punish me whenever it likes. Sometimes, no matter how much I do or have done, it seems worthless and not enough. This is mainly based not just on my standards but also on those of my parents. They are the only people whose opinions I care about.
Is there any part of you that treats you like this?
Until next time, Adios amigo!
What better way to punish yourself than thinking about your fears time and again? I’m fighting my fears every day and THIS is a small list of them.
