Me and My… Ultimate Dilemma tales

I wrote this song as a message for help

On behalf of anybody finding they self

I wrote this letter to numb your pain

‘Cause everyday I wake up, I’m feelin’ the same

Machine Gun Kelly Ft. Kehlani (Song: At my best)

Another day & another relative with their success story of a cleared entrance exam. No hard feelings, but can our generation at least catch a breath before they release another Doctor or an Engineer? Bro people like us, who want to follow an “unconventional” path (unconventional according to our parents), “that doesn’t make us money”, are waiting in a line, for the long lost validation from people around us (laughing emojis). The dilemma tales start right here!

ME right now

A little backstory

I have been a Science enthusiast since class 9. I had Physics, Chemistry, Maths and Biology in my senior years and graduated in Life Sciences. If this wasn’t enough, I recently completed my post graduation in Biotechnology (kindly acknowledge My Resume, laughing emojis). I’m telling you this because the LinkedIn “Open to Work” tag isn’t working anymore, so if an HR is reading this-I might be willing to work, not sure (Sobbing emoji). 

Anyways, it all started 3 years ago, when I found out that burying my thoughts on loose sheets was exhausting. I further started hiding those sheets at a place where my parents won’t discover them (I’m a pro, they haven’t found any of it yet- TOUCHWOOD). So I searched on the internet “Careers in Writing about my life”. The first result should have been “Have you lost your mind? If your parents find out that you are oversharing with the world, YOU ARE DONE!”. But thankfully it wasn’t and I discovered Blogging. I started publishing blogs for fun on a free WordPress account. This was the origin (←click and read about the ACTUAL origin here) of my journey.

I wasn’t regular and was already in the middle of my first degree, so I stopped blogging. During the lockdown I started again, but at that time I was in the middle of my second degree. So, you know me by now, I stopped again. But, as the end of my Masters degree was approaching I had 3 options – Job, PhD, being disowned by my parents. The anxiety because of this dilemma had started to kick in. 

So as the brilliant, creative, rule-breaker kid, I chose the 3rd option. Oh, you didn’t understand? It’s simple: Content creation = wasting two degrees in Biology = Being disowned (laughing emojis). I wrote and published a blog once again. It made me realize that I want to take a break from piling up degrees and “PURSUE MY PASSION” (*Cheering noises increase*).

GOT IT.

The craziest part is, that parents didn’t react in the way I thought they would. They were skeptical (because I was too) but extremely supportive. My mom bought me a domain the next day. This is shocking but I am immensely grateful for this. I had dodged one hurdle but another one was around the corner. As the days passed, I realized that this wasn’t as easy as it looked. The negativity had started to kick in. I began thinking of problems like the writer’s block, the lack of confidence, how will I earn from this, etc. All these were reasonable but…

(back to the present)

Now the main dilemma is, should I pursue blogging, a PhD or get a job? It’s 12.15 AM when I’m here on my bed half asleep preparing for a presentation and giving myself a pep talk. I am telling myself that whatever I feel is naturally coming from me, is the best and I shouldn’t resist it. I was always confused about why do people change their streams so suddenly? Does it mean that they change their dreams as well? But here I am in the same boat, wanting to become a full time blogger in spite of studying biology all my life. All I can think of is that I lack conviction, patience and I am afraid of taking a risk.

The thing is that I love both the journeys. The feeling of writing a blog from my heart is the same as the feeling I get when I enter a lab. No seriously when I pick up the pen to write I get the same kick that I get when I pick up an organism. Just like the feeling of proofreading the blog is the same as proofreading the research article I write. Finding a job is the last thing I want to do, so that is out of the picture. As James Baldwin said “I do not have a dream job, I do not dream of labor”.

I am holding an insect in my hand. Feels like my natural habitat (crying emojis)

This Nayan is not afraid of what anyone will say. I’m all set to fight anyone and everyone, but how will I fight myself and this dilemma in my mind? Doing a job will make me financially stable but at the cost of my passion. Being in a mainstream field like PhD seems like a safe space, something that I can go back to if I fail in blogging. This is turning into a therapy session, I’ll PayPal you the money for listening to me (kiss emojis). 

So basically it is security vs. creativity vs. money or mild passion vs. extreme passion. I’m sitting here trying to convince myself that blogging can be the thing I do when I studying becomes tiring. But a part of me is against this thought because that will mean that blogging will never be my priority. I don’t want to do that again. Left it once, regretted it, so I don’t want to ever leave it again. No matter what. This time I am sticking around. 

You tell me, what should I do? I would really love some help. Drop a comment if you have any advice. Otherwise this rant and pep talk won’t stop and you will have to continue reading more parts of the dilemma tales. Be ready!!!

Until next time, Adios Amigos.

 

 

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