I fly with the stars in the skies,
I am no longer trying to survive,
I believe that life is a prize,
But to live doesn’t mean you’re alive,
Nicki Minaj (Song: Moment 4 lyf)
I don’t really study, do you? If yes, let me know some good tips so that I can get my lazy a** to do something (freaking tired of myself). Back in school I used to study everyday(till 10th grade). Still pretty amazed (disgusted coz I don’t do that now!). But then my first touch screen phone came into my life and it’s been a downfall since then.
Now something about me that you should know (Or maybe I just wanna tell you coz you are my new friend (heart eye emoji, kiss emoji)) I used to be a freak for mobile games (Read about it HERE). You name it, I’ve played it. I was a player with a score of 20 million in temple run and a score of 3.4 million in subway surfers (don’t tell I can’t brag… Cmon look at ’em scores). Getting past that, since that time I just have not been able to get this thing away from me. I hate myself. Seriously. For not being able to f*cking keep it away for even a few hours. It ruined my 12th standard and made me do bad in my entrance test. Because of this stupid addiction, I waste the entire day. Now God knows what else it’s going to ruin.
This is just a picture from Pinterest (ashamed) I told you I don’t study
I don’t know, if I really can Or cannot do something. Since the time I couldn’t clear my first entrance exam, I have drowned myself in self doubt. This is a preview of what I think of myself:
“A girl who is pretentious, kind but jealous. An overthinker and secretive. Pessimistic. Caring and thoughtful. Has a ton of self doubt. Thinks she can’t do anything but gets certain things done. Doesn’t study with her own wish. Loves to waste time by scrolling through various social media. Opinionated. Likes to draw(or I should say-can recreate images). Doesn’t excel in anything yet. Has big dreams, a long list of goals but does nothing , not even a tiny bit of effort to achieve them.”
I know these are a lot of negatives and people would say it’s not healthy to be so negative. Try being positive and all that.
Bro, been there done that. It’s easier said than done. When you haven’t achieved anything in life, you don’t have a reason to appreciate yourself.
I’ll be honest, I like to study but I just can’t get myself to do it. I’ll tell you how my mind works and if you relate to it let me know. (Don’t judge Or think like I’m crazy coz I’m just spilling the tea…). It’s like if I try to do something good or worthwhile and start to achieve something, my mind says “Stop, cmon, you don’t have to do it. Give others a chance. If you do it, you will excel in it. Just don’t do it. Let it be. As it is you are not gonna get any result. You will probably fail.” Does that happen to you or are you normal? (It feels like my own mind is pulling me down)
I feel like my capacity to get things done, is a lot. But whenever I have to do something on my own without a deadline or without pressure I just fail. I procrastinate and don’t do it.
My parents expect a lot from me. They sometimes blackmail me but mostly they are supportive. I’m just very lazy or annoyed to do anything.
The thought that I don’t know the purpose of my life yet, is like a nightmare for me. The thing is, I know the solutions to all my problems. I legit do. I’m aware of the things that I’m supposed to be doing. I’m just not interested. I can’t explain how frustrated I am right now! If you would have been here with me you would have seen me tapping my foot at a pace and clicking the pen in my hand.
I just came back from a lecture by my mum. She reminded me how I wasted their money by going to the coaching classes and being incapable of cracking any entrance test. I get it. I’m a failure and a disrespect to the family.
I don’t know when am I gonna figure anything out. I’m probably gonna have a crying sesh. Brb (not anytime soon! Crying emojis)
Until next time, Adiós amigos.
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