Is this all it’s gonna be?
Gold dust shimmers on my feet
They laid me down and the sky turned pink
Is this all it’s gonna be?
Evan giia (Song: Memba)
169 days into quarantine now and feels like I have been stuck since ages. Have you gotten the feeling of being stuck or being suffocated inside the house yet or are you normal? Today is kinda different. I am feeling even more stuck than before. When people around you are getting opportunities to excel and you have to sit and watch them, it’s not very pleasant. Whether it is my sister getting into an internship, my friend getting accepted for a job or a friend scoring a rank 10 in the entrance, all of these contribute to the stress levels of my mind. If this wasn’t enough my mom shouting at me for not doing the chores and not helping, takes it up a notch.
Sitting idle when you are an overthinker is risky. You get anxious every other second. Your heart beats faster without any reason and you start to panic a little. You sense that something is just not right. You start to question everything from your past, present or future.
Did I choose the right course to graduate in? Papa said this field has very less scope, this means I will be job less. Maybe he is right? What if even after doing my PhD I don’t achieve the life I want? Will I be happy with the decisions I am making right now? What if others succeed and I don’t? Till when will I be able to use my excuses to not work? What if I am unable to fulfill my dreams? I will be a loser in my own eyes. I was the one who took all the decisions from the very beginning. And to escape all this chatter in my head, I scroll through my phone all day. I leave all the important and better things I could be doing and just keep scrolling.
*sobbing in the corner*
I stopped using Instagram in March. I use it every now and then but I am not as addicted to it as I was earlier. But does that stop me from using my phone? No. Do I regret the entire day before I go to sleep? Yes. I talk to a total of three people that too not daily. Even then I can’t get my phone off my hands.
My mind always searches for reasons and excuses to not do the right things {I have become a pro at procrastinating}. (Hit like if it’s #relatable) I know I am not the only one who feels like this. If there is anyone out there who is going through the same let me know in the comments cause your blog friend here needs your help.
In this Quarantine I have changed certain habits though and I am unapologetically proud of myself. Your girl has started working out more regularly than she used to. I meditate every once in a while. I use Pinterest (Read about my Pinterest feed HERE) instead of Instagram so that I can get something out of my scrolling. Another thing I am focusing on is improving my hygiene. I started watching news almost everyday. I have learnt a few new skills too. This makes me feel proud of all the work I have done till now. But you know the human tendency of just focusing on the negatives right! Our brain is just wired to do that (frown emoji).
But a quote is just stuck in my mind for a week now. And since two days I have observed myself implementing it consciously and unconsciously. “You are just one choice away from the future you want to make”. This made me realize that literally every small step that I take is going to reflect in every big decision of my life. Every step determines either I go forward and excel in life or go back and downgrade myself.
It’s like every day when I am hitting the snooze button of my alarm and one day I choose not to hit it and continue this practice, I will get my sleep schedule right. For once if I keep my phone down within the limits I set for myself I will feel happy and would want to take the decision again. Isn’t it convincing? (Stars in the eyes emoji)
Similarly if you and I choose to think and then take a step we are less likely to fall. I am sure soon we will get the hang of it and this will change our perspective. I want to change and I am sure you too don’t want to waste anymore time. This feeling of being stuck doesn’t feel good anymore. Let’s bring this change within us.
Life motto from now on.
Let’s try to improve the habits we don’t like about ourselves. Coz One Fine Day all this effort will fall into place and it will matter. Let’s get closer to what we want to be, one choice at the time, one step at a time.
This is what my quarantine looks like I hope I’m not very different from you all (winky face).
Until next time, Adios amigos.
Catch up on Quarantine diary Part 2A and Quarantine diary Part 2B.
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